I’ve recently come to the realisation that I don’t belong here. In Australia. Well, in Brisbane. I don’t yet know where I do belong, but I know that I am so unhappy here, I have always been unhappy here. I try so hard to be happy and satisfied, but when I do, it doesn’t last long and just gets knocked out of me before I can really enjoy it. When I first moved back last year, I was happy, for a while. But I wasn’t doing anything productive or exciting. I was simply existing. However I am a person who believes in living rather than existing, but at that time in my life I just needed to exist and relax and bask in my own bubble of freedom, so that’s what I did for a while. 12 months later and I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall of depression again. I thought I wanted to go to uni, to study, and to learn about people and why we do the things we do, and why we think the way we do and everything like that…and don’t get me wrong, all of it is absolutely fascinating, but I just have no concentration, no motivation to do my assignments or even to get up and out of bed in the morning or anything.
I just recently came back from a trip to Cambodia for 2 weeks where I was working with a volunteer group, and I was incredibly happy there. The experience, lifestyle, people, weather, culture was just amazing and I felt so alive and comfortable. I also found it ten thousand times easier to make friends, to talk to strangers, to get out of bed, to work in the blazing hot sun, you name it, I loved it! I sincerely mean it when I say that I did not want to come back to my mundane life here in Brisbane. I know that life is what you make it, and believe me, I try to love my life here…but there’s always something holding me back. I just don’t feel like I belong. I feel inferior to everyone here, and I feel like I live in a different world and way of life to most people. When I was in Cambodia, I approached random strangers on the street and made small talk, and was legitimately interested in where they came from and what they were doing in Cambodia. When I’m here in Brisbane, I avoid eye contact and communication with almost everyone. Why am I so much more insecure here than I was in Siem Reap? Why was I so confident and open and honest overseas and I’m not like that here? I really feel like I belong somewhere simple, living the simple life, eating basic foods, wearing comfortable clothing, not the latest fashion or keeping up to date with who’s who in the world of celebrities and what’s on TV etc. I can live without technology and make up and fancy things. Yeah sure, it’s nice to dress up every once in a while, but to be under scrutiny and being judged every minute that you step out of your house is exhausting. I try not to let it get to me, and for the most part, I succeed in doing this, but there’s only so much I can block out.
I don’t know what all of this means for me, I don’t know where I stand, I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I know that I want to be happy…and right now I’m not. I want to help the world see that life isn’t about all the material goods. I want to live where I won’t be judged for being me, I want to live in a world of happiness with the simplest of things. As the old age saying goes “the best things in life are free” I don’t think there’s too many people out there that actually truly believe in that. I want to live where people do believe it. I want to help people who have far less than me. I wish I could sell everything that I have, everything that I own and give the money to those that need it more than I do. But sadly that’s not how the world works. I wish it were, because at the end of your life you’re not going to remember the amount of money you spent or the amount you saved, you’re going to remember the good times, and the bad times, and the impact you made on the world…and the impact others made on you. When I think about the world, and people, and the grand scheme of everything, I get anxious and overwhelmed because there is so much more to life. There is so much more than what we know and what we do. I want to know more, I want to do more. I want to do good in this world. I want to make it better and happier for people. I guess in some ways I’m slowly heading in that sort of direction at times…so I just have to focus on going down that path more than what I’m currently doing.
Here’s some lyrics from songs that have been playing over and over in my head lately.
“There may come a time a time in everyone’s life
Where nothing seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right
You just can’t seem to find your way
That’s when you need someone
Someone that you can call
Let it be me
If it’s a friend that you need
Let it be me” – Let It Be Me by Ray LaMontagne
“Don’t it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are…
We grew up way too fast and now there’s nothing to believe.” – Name by Goo Goo Dolls
“I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I’m not around
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special
What the hell I’m doing here?
I don’t belong here” – Creep by Radiohead
“Right now everything you want is wrong,
and right now, all your dreams are waking up,
and right now, I wish I could follow you
to the shores, of freedom
where no one lives” – Honey and the Moon by Joseph Arthur
I love music now and until my dying days.