A night of self-doubt and destruction

Every once in a while when I hear David Gray’s “This Years Love”, it brings me to tears. Last night was again, one of those times, which always leaves me reeling into a pit of despair and self-doubt. I can’t explain exactly what brought those emotions on, nor can I precisely describe what I was feeling at that point in time last night. However, the strong feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, being unsuccessful, lost, inadequate, and completely confused all surfaced and danced around my mind. David Gray’s voice just has a way of doing that to me sometimes.  I love him and his songs, and majority of the time I can listen to them and feel happy and lucky, but sometimes, certain songs have this hold on me that bring me down into a whirlwind of depression. Which also led me to listen to a few other songs that just made me crawl into a ball and cry until I fell asleep. My brief playlist of songs for this mood last night consisted of:

This Years Love – David Gray
Gravity – Sara Bareilles
Red Arrow – Gem Club
Say Hello Wave Goodbye – David Gray
Read All About It, Pt II – Emeli Sande
I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston

It all started with me watching that movie “The Girl Next Door”. A while ago, a friend told me to watch it to grasp a bit of an understanding of where he was coming from with some of the things he does/has done. So, eventually, last night I got around to putting it on. It’s an alright movie I guess…pretty typical teenage kinda stuff…but as “This Years Love” was featured in the film, I just broke down in tears. Not because I wanted to be her, or that I wanted a guy like him to do what he did for her, but I think I just feel like I’ve been missing out on something. I have never been in any sort of serious relationship, and I fear I am the only one to blame. I don’t know how to let people into my life. I don’t stick around to find out deeper qualities about particular people. I flee at any indication of a relationship. I don’t know if I’m being fussy or if I just don’t want to settle for anything less than the butterflies, the fireworks, the nervous smiles and hand touching. If I don’t feel that with someone, if things become too mediocre and monotonous, I’m outta there before you can say BOO! 

People always say not to look for love, and that the best things come to those who wait, but there’s a fine line between waiting for someone or something, and going after what you want. So which is it? What do I do? Do I sit around and wait for something to fall into my lap? Or do I get out there, make the most of meeting people and attempt at creating a desirable relationship with the next best person who’s willing to give it a go with me? I read a quote somewhere recently that said “we waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love”. Now, I don’t want the perfect lover, nor do I want a perfect love, because nothing in this world is perfect…but I think I need to start creating things for myself. I want to be happy and to live each moment and be thankful for the good moments that I do have. I want to create a life of love and happiness that suits me. Life isn’t about finding yourself or finding friends or lovers, it’s about creating yourself, creating a great life, creating great friendships, creating great love for yourself. I need to find that determination and desire to create these things again. I need to get out of my pit of despair and find that hope that brings me back to life.

Who knows, maybe I’m just going through these self-doubting moments because I’ve been spending way too much free time all on my own with literally nothing to do but wake up, eat, swim, read, write, sleep. It doesn’t help that I’m also constantly thinking of the external things going on in my life that I can’t change yet they still affect me. I know I’m being somewhat vague with these topics but I can’t really write about them in too much detail. Not yet anyway…

Hopefully my spirits and energy levels lift in the next few weeks. No, not “hopefully”, I’m going to work on creating my spirit levels to rise and to be free of this depression and tension.

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One thought on “A night of self-doubt and destruction

  1. Pingback: Music = Emotions | olivia in la la land

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