I hope this counts for something

I am a few days behind on this daily prompt but it says:

You’ve been given the opportunity to send one message to one person you wouldn’t normally have access to (for example: the President. Kim Kardashian. A coffee grower in Ethiopia). Who’s the person you choose, and what’s the message?

My message isn’t of importance to anyone, except myself. And maybe the person that I’m writing it to. My letter is to no one that I don’t have access to really, I could send it to him, but I won’t. Truthfully, it probably won’t do either of us any good if I did. So, it’s just going to end up here, lost in the cyberspace universe.

Dear P,

The other day I was walking down the street and I was trying to think of the last time that I was truly happy for an extended period of time (rather than just one day or two weeks) and the only time that I can think of, was with you. Meeting you was something I never expected, and having the connection that we did was something I expected even less. You made me feel so comfortable and relaxed in, and out of your presence; just the mere thought of you made me smile and gave me hope. I was at the best stage of my life I had probably ever been, (and probably ever have been to this point so far). I was happy, I was comfortable in my own skin, I was exercising and eating healthy, not for you, but for me. Because it made me feel good about myself, all of it did. I was on top of the world. I had energy and vitality and life felt….good. You made me feel beautiful, accepted, and perfect with all my imperfections. I know what we had was only fleeting, only a few months, but so far, I can only think it was the happiest few months of my adult life.

I had changed, I considered adapting to your life, even though it may not have been ‘conventional’, I was comfortable in deciding that I would fall into that position with you. But you didn’t want that for me. Which I can totally understand, that would have been a very hard decision to make for both of us, but the truth is, I never decided to make that decision, in my bones, in my heart, in my soul, I just knew I could do it, so I didn’t question whether or not I should do it. But nevertheless, you succeeded, and despite your feelings, you said your goodbyes. I don’t hate you, and I don’t want you back, I just want you to know how you made me felt in that time. I am thankful for the lessons I learnt through meeting you and for what we had together. I am thankful for you saying goodbye. Because, truth is, now, some days I think I may not have been able to be that person that I thought I could be. Who knows. Maybe we were never meant to know. Maybe what we had was all it was supposed to be. And for that, I am grateful. My path in life, my journey is playing out how it is meant to. I have learned, I have grown, I have loved and I have lost. But I was never really heartbroken when I lost you, because I never really loved you in the way to lose you would break me. It’s like something inside me knew that it wasn’t supposed to be more than what it was.

And as for right now, I’m not “happy”, but I’m not “sad” either. I’m  both, and also somewhere in between. But one day, I know I can, and will be, as happy as I was for those few months with you. It has been almost 2 years since then, and a lot has happened to me in that time, and a lot still has to happen, but I’m ready for it. I’m ready for whatever is coming my way, because I want those chances to learn and grow again. So I just wanted to write this to say thank you. For everything.

O.

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