I guess I just forgot that friends can hurt you and break your heart just as much as a lover can.
I had a whole post planned out for the above line, but now I can’t think of what to say. Long story short, I recently (re-)became friends with, well…an old friend (who had initially broke my heart). And late last year he just kinda walked away (figuratively) from our friendship (again). I really thought things were different this time around; well they were, but the ‘ending’ was almost the same. The first time he broke my heart because I had stronger feelings for him than he did me, but we had made amends, got over it all and became friends again, on a new and different level. I wasn’t in love with him anymore, and I knew I wouldn’t feel those romantic feelings about him again, but I guess I just forgot that letting him back into my life as a friend didn’t mean there wasn’t the potential for my heart to be broken again. You know?
So now, here I am, again. Heartbroken, with one less friend and influencer, because he has been a huge part of my life for the past 12 months or so and saved me from myself a number of times. It really upsets me. I know I’ll be ok through it all though, and at the end of the day, I’m happy with where my life is at right now, but it just sucks that he was so __________ (I can’t even think of a word. He’s not selfish or rude or anything…maybe just, inconsiderate?)
Well, it sucks just that little bit more because I actually have apparently lost another friend now too. I really do need to just let these friends go, because I know that there are people who come in and out of your life for reasons and lessons, but there’s a fine line between letting someone go and caring about them too much to say goodbye.
I’m really torn right now as to whether or not I should keep trying to be their friend and reminding them that I love them and will always be a friend for them and not GIVE UP on them…or to just GIVE IN and say my goodbyes (although without shutting out the idea of being in their lives again someday.)
And it’s over
And I’m going under
But I’m not giving up
I’m just giving in
– Never Let Me Go by Florence and the Machine
Come to think of it, maybe he wasn’t my saviour at all. It was myself all along. I just didn’t see it. I think we’re all a lot stronger than each of us realise. And we only see what we want to see, because in all honesty, he was sometimes a pretty shit friend. Which forced me to lean on myself more than ever (even though I am/was already a super independent person anyway).
It still sucks to lose friends.
And if either of them are reading this (though I know they won’t), then please know that I miss you. So much. But I accept whatever is going on, and I hope someday fate leads you back to my door. But if not, I hope the memories stay beautiful.