A little while ago I mentioned briefly of moving interstate and ‘leaving someone behind’ who meant a lot to me. Let’s call him J. After three months of being apart, I went back down to Melbourne for a weekend, and caught up with J. (And just to clarify, this person is also the one I speak highly of in regards to changing my life in the best way possible. The one who gave me wings to fly; and naked confidence to love myself as a person.)
I don’t want to get into too many details about him and our colliding situations, however I will say that we met via tinder and happened to hit it off really well. We were both in pretty messed up places in regards to previous ‘relationships’ so to speak, and neither of us were wanting a relationship or anything. So we just hung out and enjoyed each other’s company. Right from the start we had a very open and honest system of communication between us which was great, and was actually one of the things that attracted me to him on his tinder profile. So we kept things basic and we both felt comfortable to ask and talk about anything with each other.
A few months after we met, I ended up deciding to skip town (as I do) and we had made the most of our time before I moved away. We kept in contact since then, and he even spoke of coming to visit me sometime – though he never gave an indication of actually doing it. Flash forward three months, and here we are: present day (well actually, about two weeks ago). The other week I had to go down to Melbourne for my Nan’s 80th birthday (bless that woman with all my heart); so I decided to take a few extra days and catch up with other people while I was there. J and I had arranged to catch up, and I actually had a few things I wanted to talk to him about because I’d been feeling pretty weird with what was going on between us and a lack of decent communication from his end. Anyway, as it turns out we didn’t really do much talking during our time together, and if we did talk, it wasn’t about anything too serious. As much as I went into the weekend wanting some clarity, I wanted to just be in his company without words even more.
So anyway, after returning home I said to him that I just needed to let him know that if he didn’t plan on visiting within the next few months to stop saying that he would, because it was just giving me a false sense of hope, you know? After a fairly brief conversation on the topic of ‘relationships’, we both agreed that he was essentially leading me on a bit, and things had been built up a bit more than either of us had expected. He didn’t want a relationship, I didn’t want a relationship, but ultimately he helped me heal, while he was still fixing himself, and due to my nature, I wanted to help heal him as well – and in return – so between all of that, I developed a bit of an attachment that I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to, and just got lost in all of that jumbled mess. He made me really happy and I wanted to hold on to that happiness. But I couldn’t hold on to him any longer. Once I realised that, it was easier to say goodbye. I mean not ‘goodbye’ in the sense that we’ll never see each other again, but just a ‘letting go’ sort of feeling that my mind was building up from our communication and the types of things that were said and words that were used prior to the visit.
To wrap things up, there are fewer messages between us now and definitely less “I miss you” and “How was your day?” type messages. We have remained friends, and I still think very highly of this wonderful man who helped me up when I was crumpled and broken on the cold hard floor, and pushed me off to find my dreams. And I feel good about it. I mean I always wish there is something more I could do for him because I feel like I owe him a thousand lives around the sun, but I’m okay that we’ve come to this mutual decision of an understanding, as opposed to me being entirely fucking lost with whatever the hell my brain and emotions were trying to tell me about him. Because in the triangle of attractions, I was mostly just emotionally attracted to him.Upon my leaving Melbourne…he just knew 😊