In my haste to document how things ended up with J, I realised I left out some fairly vital information on what was going on in my head the weeks leading up to the visit. Despite the fact that I didn’t want a relationship with him, I couldn’t help but have these really weird feelings that confused me to no end. I had feelings of attachment; feelings of neediness, and mostly; feelings of jealousy. All in all, turning me into this person I didn’t want to be, and didn’t understand. I never want to be that needy girl who craves someone’s attention; I never want to be that girl who is so attached to just one person; and I never want to be that girl who is stupidly jealous over the littlest things. But I felt like I was starting to become that, to the point where these feelings were becoming present in my dreams. Without getting into specifics of a dream I had at one point, I’ll say that it ended with me being very jealous, and throwing a glass of red wine in J’s face (yes, it was that specific). Yuck. Who was this person I was turning into? Definitely not someone that I wanted to be by any means.
So this was another defining moment for me to get a sense of clarity and to release the attachment to him, for myself (and probably for him too). I needed to stop holding onto him for happiness, I needed to find the happiness within myself, and hold onto that. And once I started being happy with and for myself, I realised, that:
“all I was searching for, was me” – Keep Your Head Up by Ben Howard